Why are so many of our kids, teens & adults feeling so lonely?

In short …

• Despite living in a hyper-connected society, more of we adults are feeling lonely and, concerningly, the number of young people who feel lonely is on the rise.
• Lack of play, increasingly living our lives online and the lingering effects of the pandemic are causing today’s kids to struggle with social and emotional skills.
• Many adults, too, can struggle to connect deeply in the busy-ness of our modern lives.
• In this blog, Maggie offers 10 tips to address this epidemic of loneliness and equip our kids with what they need to meet their number one biological need: to feel they belong.

“In 2022, just over 1 in 6 (16%) Australians were experiencing loneliness. As of 2022, about 1 in 5 (17%) males and 1 in 6 (15%) females aged 15–24 were experiencing loneliness. An increasing number of people aged 15–24, have reported experiencing loneliness since 2012.” – Australian Institute of Health and Welfare

We are a social species. This means we are meant to live in relationships within systems such as families, neighbourhoods, communities and nations. This means belonging and human connectedness are key elements of being a healthy human, as well as being a key protective factor in terms of resilience.

Technically, social isolation means having fewer social relationships or times of social contact especially meaningful contact. This can definitely contribute to loneliness however it is not a cause of loneliness.

Loneliness tends to be perceived as an unpleasant feeling of a lack of connection with other people while also yearning for more of a positive connection with others. You can live alone and yet not be lonely.

In my work in communities recovering from major traumatic events like bushfires and floods, the more connected the community had been before the disaster, the quicker and more effective the recovery. Quite simply, people looked out for each other not just themselves. I was blessed to grow up in a small community in the wheat belt of Western Australia, and I witnessed as a little girl how locals gathered together to help others who were experiencing difficulty and challenge. No one was left out regardless of culture, religion or how much money they earnt.

As I wrote in this blog a few months ago, we have changed from being a ‘we’ world to a ‘me’ world where the focus in our society is on individual worth, value, reputation and perception of success. Today’s emphasis on influencers is a perfect example of me culture.

So this is not a recent phenomenon, however the digital world is accelerating the growth of self-focus and worsening mental health statistics reflect this.

I believe the me culture has diminished the we culture and it is one of the many reasons why loneliness has become noticeably present in our world.

The creep of loneliness into our younger generations

Loneliness has been a factor for men over 40 for many years. It is considered a contributing factor towards the disturbingly high suicide rate for men in this age group. There are many reasons why male friendships are different to female friendships and that starts in childhood. Thankfully there have been some significant, positive shifts to improve male connectedness. The Fathering Project, The Man Walk, The Men’s Table, just to name a few. I am a huge supporter of Gotcha4Life, which strongly promotes mental well-being and fitness for everyone and was founded by media personality Gus Worland after he lost one of his best mates to suicide.

Recent surveys including the one that I did for my most recent book Help Me Help My Teen, show that loneliness is on the rise for our teens. In the Mission Australia Annual Youth Survey for 2023, almost a quarter (24.9 per cent) of young people indicated high levels of psychological distress, and one-fifth (20.8 per cent) said they felt lonely all or most of the time.

I have met many mums of small kids over the last couple of years who express the same sense of loneliness. The traditional village where lots of people were around to support families with babies and toddlers has disintegrated for many reasons. Being a sleep-deprived parent navigating those early years can be incredibly difficult without some support especially emotionally. This is highly evident in the number of women who make extremely good friends with a small group of mothers who have had babies at the same time that is sometimes organised via child care nurses.

The arrival of smart phones has definitely impacted our capacity for genuine human connectedness not only in our homes but in our communities and workspaces. While the phone is needed for organising so many things in our children’s lives from school messaging apps, the sport or dance apps, ordering lunches, organising appointments – we need to be mindful we don’t end up leaving our kids feeling digitally abandoned. Real connection needs presence – face-to-face, with safe touch and with time.

One of the best psychological tonics I have in my life is having a coffee or sharing a meal with someone I value and care about.

It is usually a special female friend or sister, we will laugh, we will cry, we may snort and we will leave with our cups overflowing! That is the true power of human connection in real time with someone we trust.

Why are so many people struggling with loneliness?

If human connectedness is the opposite of loneliness, we need to start in childhood. No child is born with social competence and emotional literacy. In other words, this needs to be learnt and traditionally this was done through having a ­childhood where children spent most of their time playing with other children of all ages, across genders with autonomy and freedom within the proximity of a minimum of one safe adult. This happened best in natural environments where there were potential risks that children learnt to navigate together and gave them opportunities to stretch and grow.

Play has diminished across childhood for many reasons. Back in the 80s especially in rural communities, the weekend was when parents played sport and the children all played together while waiting for their parents to finish. Today, weekends are taken up with kids’ organised sport and parents have little time for leisure over weekends!

The arrival of handheld devices like tablets and iPads has stolen hours and hours of early childhood development in terms of being a social being, as well as impacting their physical, cognitive, emotional growth.

Teachers of five-year-olds have been telling me over the last 10 years they have noticed four key concerns:

1. Poorer gross and fine motor skills
2. Weaker verbal vocabulary
3. Inability to initiate and sustain play with other children
4. Poorer self-regulation skills

We get what’s called a ‘displacement effect’ where use of technology has replaced real experience and the sooner children get hand-held screens, the bigger the capacity for developmental harm. This video explains the importance of movement and play so well for little ones under 5.

School recess times and lunch times have also been shortened which means our children are fundamentally having less opportunities to play with other children, and therefore to develop their social awareness.

Sadly, we now have to run social and emotional learning classes in primary school to try to make up the deficit that has been caused by the lack of play.

Bullying has become very problematic.

Indeed, among similar English speaking countries, Australia leads the world in bullying! Bullying is not childhood nastiness and meanness where children sometimes call each other unkind names or exclude kids from certain games.

Bullying is an intentional behaviour designed by an individual to cause harm to another that is often repeated and uses an inappropriate level of power. Many kids who have been scarred by bullying can struggle with loneliness later in life because of the fear of being hurt again. Sadly, cyberbullying has taken things up a notch.

Cultivating and nurturing friendships in childhood needs to be more of a priority for parents. Dr W Thomas Boyce writes about children being ‘orchids’ or ‘dandelions’ and the dandelions among them generally find making friends quite easy however our more sensitive orchid children can find it quite difficult.

Rather than over scheduling children to attend many different adult-led activities throughout the school week and weekend, I recommend you prioritise times when children get to play with children they like.

There are many subtle nuances that are a part of creating social awareness around play and these are only learnt through play.

When I was counselling, I met many children who struggled to have anyone to play with and I created a creative visualisation called ‘I am a good friend’ to help these children. It explores, through their imagination, how they can turn up with a welcoming face, and an ability to say hello and to explore different expectations when playing with other children.

You can also take a listen to the Parental As Anything episode we did on play for some good tips.

Neurodivergent children can particularly struggle in this area. I recommend reading the brilliant book by Madonna King and Rebecca Sparrow called Out of the Box. It’s an in-depth dive into understanding, accepting and appreciating neurodivergent kids and it has a fabulous section on cultivating friendships and helping ND kids find ways to belong.

Online connectedness is very different to in real life (IRL) connectedness. Humans are wired to communicate not just with their words but with their body physiology and their tone of voice.

We are also wired for emotional contagion which means that if who we are spending time with is in a positive emotional state, there is a pretty good chance we will lift our mood to match theirs. This does not happen so easily online.

Indeed, many of the teens who took part in my Help Me Help My Teen survey reported how difficult it can be sometimes when their friends are sharing online in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable especially if they don’t want to break their streak on Snapchat. They know if they stop connecting digitally, it can be interpreted as a negative by the other girls and they risk being socially ostracised. How incredibly difficult is that for our girls to navigate while they are desperate for connection – it can be so confusing and it sometimes costs them dearly.

Online behaviour is very different than IRL behaviour. Some of the nastiest  and cruellest things that are shared online would not happen face-to-face. Given the intellectual immaturity of our kids especially under 16, this online nasty behaviour, which is often impulsive and not thought through, can have huge impacts on others. It tends to normalise nastiness and that is the opposite of the human connectedness that we are biologically wired to survive with.

In the online world our kids also witness very badly behaving adults who are also normalising unkind, mean and derogatory behaviour.

As I’ve written about pretty extensively, social media algorithms are wired to show more negative content than positive content, because it ensures better profits as we are wired to stay connected.

I believe this is definitely contributing to the social isolation, to the fear of being authentic and honest, and the fear of revealing your true self.

The lingering impact of the pandemic

Covid also contributed to the increase in loneliness. Having a couple of years where real-time play was stolen from children, and the only way to survive was in the online world has created different perceptions and expectations around human relationships.

Teachers have been noticing significant differences in social behaviour in our classrooms following the pandemic. Maybe we need to reduce the endless testing and push for results and prioritise play in our schools so that kids can learn the basics that they have missed, rather than punishing them for the behaviour that has stemmed from having less skills socially and emotionally?

A key biological driver in adolescence is to form relationships with others of a similar age. This is part of the individuation process for our emerging adults and, after 16, healthy friendships are an incredibly important protective factor over the bridge to adulthood. They can form deeper and more trustworthy relationships that can help them transition to life after school. Indeed, in both my books about teens – From Boys to Men and Help Me Help My Teen – a key message for your teen needs to be “watch out for your friends.”

It can be hard to convince your teen to watch out for themselves but they are biologically wired to watch out for their friends. Please encourage and support social gatherings with their friends in real time because that is where the magic really happens. Sleep overs, camping trips and gathering around firepits are all still favoured by teens.

Taking my sons for early morning surfing trips on weekends with their mates was not what I really wanted to do after a busy week of teaching. However, those mates are still valuable parts of their lives today and seeing those boys after a surf, full of life and optimism – it was worth it.

Image: The boys and I on a surfing trip to Hawaii in 2017.

What can we do to address the loneliness epidemic?

1. Prioritise play in all its forms, as often as possible with all ages including our teens and adults.
2. Avoid over scheduling your children into organised activities that diminish their opportunity for autonomy.
3. Minimise your phone usage and hide your phone when you are with your children.
4. Remember micro-moments of connection with your children can add up to macro connections.
5. Prioritise human communication using words, word games, tongue twisters, songs and by reading to your children (and getting them to read to you) for as long as possible.
6. Family rituals that allow our kids to feel safe, loved and connected are incredibly important.
7. Lighten up around home and help your children learn the nuances of a good sense of humour.
8. Model caring for others and kindness.
9. Create a tribe of like-minded humans with children who you meet up with at parks, garden, backyards or beaches at least once a month if not more.
10. Nurture your own friendships – and prioritise connections in real time.

There are so many pressures on parents today that have shifted the focus on what’s best for children and what they really need.

Childhood is meant to be slow, full of opportunities for children to explore the world surrounded by other kids – often in messy and unpredictable ways in the company of a minimum of one safe, surely attached adult.

I have long written of my concerns about how our world is hellbent on stealing childhood in the name of education where formalised learning has been pushed down earlier and earlier. This comes at the cost of play and movement and that has to be causing a delay in the growth of social and emotional competence.

Our children are whole children not brains on seats, or sources of data. They are humans, biologically wired to hunger for belonging and connection. Maybe if we prioritised this in the first five years of life, we might be able to improve the mental wellbeing of all of our children and banish loneliness for ever.

Main article mage credit: © by Alexander_Safonov / Depositphotos.com